


How Paula Deen Broke Up The Band

by TheDeadEmcee



Category: Food Network RPF, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Break Up, Break Up The Band, Butter, Laser eyes, MCR, March 22 2013, Paula Deen's racism, Poor Ray, butter gun, i wont apologize, march 22, what the literal shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6318694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeadEmcee/pseuds/TheDeadEmcee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the fic where Paula Deen breaks up My Chemical Romance.<br/>(And the rewrite with completely different ending)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a joke. i own nothing
> 
> Happy March 22!!

_It was March 20, 2013_. Paula Deen was just simply bathing in her bathtub full of butter, planning. She was planning on how to destroy her mortal enemies, My Chemical Romance. Ever since their album, The Black Parade, she has hated them. She didn’t have a problem with teh music but the title, cuz shes racist shit. Her plan was to break up the band. Paula got out of her butter bath, and got dressed, then she got a jet plane straight for LA.

Once in LA, Paula tracked down Gerard Way, the bands leader. It wasn’t easy, but she was able to hack into the cameras of every single coffee shop in Los Angeles. Once she found him, she ran warp speed to the shop. She walked up behind him.

“Excuse me sir” she said, stalking up behind him.

“Mm?” Gerard turned around “OMG its Paula Deen!” he smiled. He asked for her autograph. Paula got tired of his shit and spilled boiling hot frappe all over Gerard. Gerd screamed.

“Oh Gosh! Yall im so very sorry, here darling let me help you..” she led Gerard over to the back door of the coffee shop, to conveniently waiting white van. She shoved him in, hopped into the drivers seat, and sped off at light speed.

* * *

 

_ March 21 _

When Gerard woke up from his frappe coma, he found that he was in a warehouse.

“What the fuhk??” he asked, standing up. He looked around, finding that apparently he was in a butter warehouse. Hes not surprised speaking for the fact it was Paula Deen who kidnapped him.

“AH how wonderful to see youre away, sugar!” Paula said, walking out from the shadows.

“W-what do you want??” Gerard asked, hesitantly like an alien.

“I want only one thing from you, hon. Break up the band”

Gerard gay gasped “WHAT?!” he was astonished the cook would ever wish this “Why? What have we ever done to you? Youre just a cook!”

“INCORREECT! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE SOUTH!” Paula screeched, pulling out a whisk. She started to beat Gerard with the whisk, Gerard yodeled. “YOU WILL BREAK UP THE BAND TOMOWWOW OR ILL INCASE YOU IN BUTTER!”

“NEVER U BISH!” Gerard screamed. He started running arounf the room at top speed, death beam lasers shooting out from his eyes. Just then, Gerard stopped and yodeled again, but this time to a supersonic volume. He was mating calling his fellow band mates.

Paula grabbed a frying pan and flung it at Gerards throat. Gerard gagged, falling to the ground. Before Paula could get any closer to Gerard however, there was a soaring sound. Suddenly, the roof of the wearhouse crashed in. Frank, Mikey, Ray, and even James Dewees came falling from the sky.

“What the pooper!?!” Paula said, as she saw the 4 men. Ray threw his guitar at her, but she did a backflip and landed behind some boxes. The boxes then exploded and reviled her with an AK-47 made out of nothing but butter. She started shooting at them, hitting and taking out Dewees first.

At this moment Frank had been trying to revive Gerard by giving him CPR, but really he just wanted an excuse to shove his tongue down the singers throat.

“NOOOOOOOOoOooo000” Mikey yelled, jumping and pushing Ray out of the way when Puala started shooting at the guitarist. The bullet hit Mikey. Right then, Gerard woke up, he was pissed. How dare anyone hurt his bro?!

“YOU BITCH!” Gerard shouted, pushing Frank away and flying up into the sky. His eyes were fiery red, building up power. He was so blinded with anger, that when his eyes shot out one of the most powerful bursts of laser energy, sure enough to alert NASA, he accidently missed target and hit Ray instead.

“IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT ME!?! I DON’T EVER GET CREDIT IN THE FUCKING BAND AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY MEH!?!?!?!!” Ray screamed, as his skin was quickly melting off, his fro full on ablaze. Frankie started sobbing in the corner, watching his ~~boy~~ friend burn their lead guitarist alive without meaning to. Gerard stopped what he was doing when realized what was happening, the sounds of Franks sobs hitting his ears.

He looked around at what was left of his band, and slowly lowered himself to the ground. He looked straight at Paula, and happened next will changed the lives of ever emo that ever lived.

“I surrender,” Gerard said, causing Frank to look up astonished. Paula didn’t move for a while, but slowly she started to laugh, laugh and laugh until her hystericalness racked the whole warehouse.

“IVE WON, IVE FUCKING WON! Er, excuse me yall, I meant Ive _finally_ won. No place for bad words, boys.” She smiled innocently.

“Didn’t you used to say racial slurs??” Mikey asked, in a heap on the floor.

“……I cannot talk about confidential information” she said, causing Mikey to roll his eyes.

“Okay, we lose, you win. We’ll break up the band.” Gerard said, loweing his head.

Paula smiled.

* * *

 

 _The next day, March 22, 2013_ , Gerard along with the rest of the band, announced they were going to break up. This caused much chaos and tears within the Emo community, but it had to be done.

 

_**End.** _

__

** **


	2. Rewrite for School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the rewrite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to write a story for school so i rewrote this fic, made it language appropriate, and changed the whole ending. lets hope my teacher likes it ;))

Paula Deen was just simply bathing in her bathtub full of butter, planning. She was planning on how to destroy her mortal enemies, My Chemical Romance. Her plan was to break up the band. Once her plan was fully organized, Paula got out of her butter bath, and got dressed, then she got a jet plane straight for LA.

Once in LA, Paula tracked down Gerard Way, the bands leader. It wasn’t easy, but she was able to hack into the cameras of every single coffee shop in Los Angeles. Once she found him, she ran warp speed to the shop. She walked up behind him.

“Excuse me sir” she said, stalking up behind him.

“Mm?” Gerard turned around “OMG its Paula Deen!” he smiled. He asked for her autograph. Paula got tired of his face and spilled boiling hot frappe all over Gerard, causing him to scream.

“Oh Gosh! Y’all I’m so very sorry, here darling let me help you.” she led Gerard over to the back door of the coffee shop, to conveniently waiting white van. She shoved him in, hopped into the driver’s seat, and sped off at light speed.

* * *

 

When Gerard woke up from his frappe coma, he found that he was in a warehouse.

“What the heck??” he asked, standing up. He looked around, finding that apparently he was in a butter warehouse. He’s not surprised speaking for the fact it was Paula Deen who kidnapped him.

“AH how wonderful to see you’re awake, sugar!” Paula said, walking out from the shadows.

“W-what do you want??” Gerard asked, hesitantly like an alien.

“I want only one thing from you, hon: break up the band.”

Gerard gay gasped “WHAT?!” he was astonished the cook would ever wish this “Why? What have we ever done to you? You’re just a cook!”

“INCORREECT! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE SOUTH!” Paula screeched, pulling out a whisk. She started to beat Gerard with the whisk, Gerard yodeled. “YOU WILL BREAK UP THE BAND OR ILL INCASE YOU IN BUTTER!”

“NEVER, YOU WITCH!” Gerard screamed. He started running around the room at top speed, death beam lasers shooting out from his eyes. Just then, Gerard stopped and yodeled again, but this time to a supersonic volume. He was mating calling his fellow band mates.

Paula grabbed a frying pan and flung it at Gerard’s throat. Gerard gagged, falling to the ground. Before Paula could get any closer to Gerard however, there was a soaring sound. Suddenly, the roof of the warehouse crashed in. Frank, Mikey, Ray, and even James Dewees came falling from the sky.

“What the pooper!?!” Paula said, as she saw the 4 men. Ray threw his guitar at her, but she did a backflip and landed behind some boxes. The boxes then exploded and reviled her with an AK-47 made out of nothing but butter. She started shooting at them, hitting and taking out Dewees first.

At this moment Frank had been trying to revive Gerard by giving him CPR, but really he just wanted an excuse to shove his tongue down the singers throat.

“NOOOOOOOOoOooo000” Mikey yelled, jumping and pushing Ray out of the way when Paula started shooting at the guitarist. The bullet hit Mikey. Right then, Gerard woke up, he was mad. How dare anyone hurt his bro?!

“YOU BENCH!” Gerard shouted, pushing Frank away and flying up into the sky. His eyes were fiery red, building up power. He was so blinded with anger, that when his eyes shot out one of the most powerful bursts of laser energy, sure enough to alert NASA, he accidently missed target and hit Ray instead.

“IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT ME!?! I DON’T EVER GET CREDIT IN THE BAND AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!?!?!?!!” Ray screamed, as his skin was quickly melting off, his fro full on ablaze. Frank started sobbing in the corner, watching his friend burn their lead guitarist alive without meaning to. Gerard stopped what he was doing when realized what was happening, the sounds of Franks sobs hitting his ears.

He looked around at what was left of his band, and slowly lowered himself to the ground. He looked straight at Paula, and happened next will changed the lives of every emo that ever lived.

“I surrender,” Gerard said, causing Frank to look up astonished. Paula didn’t move for a while, but slowly she started to laugh, laugh and laugh until her hysterical shrieks racked the whole warehouse.

“IVE WON, IVE FINALLY WON!!!!- er, I mean I’ve won” Paula said, regaining her composure.

“Okay, we lose, you win. We’ll break up the band.” Gerard said, lowering his head.

Paula smiled. Just then, a frying pan smacked into the side of Paula’s head, knocking her out. Standing behind her was Frank, frying pan held high in the air.

“FRANK DID YOU JUST KILL HER?!?!” Mikey exclaimed, shocked at the emo hobbit’s sudden attack.

“Uh,, would it bother you if I did?” Frank asked, testing the bassist’s reaction.

“,,,No, I suppose not”, Mikey replied, before walking away to examine the ash pile that was once Ray and Dewees’ unconscious body.

Just then, Gerard walked up next to Frank, “So, I guess you’re the lead guitar now, since Ray got fired,,,” he tried to joke.

“Pfft, quite literally” Frank retorted. Gerard just shook his head. “Anyways, thank you for what you did, you really saved the band, man”. Frank smiled.

“Hey guys what are we going to tell the fans about Ray?” Mikey asked, across the warehouse, as he helped a no conscious Dewees up.

“Eh, I don’t know. They didn’t seem to appreciate him before so I don’t think they’ll notice.” Gerard shrugged.

“Hmm, true” Mikey agreed.

“Do we just leave him or,-?” Frank asked, looking at the ash pile.

Gerard walked over, “hm, I don’t know. Lindsey and Frances might know how to use their witch powers to make him come back. Let me call them”. Gerard pulled out his phone and called up his wife, Lindsey, and her friend.

“Hey Lindsey, long story short but basically we need you to turn Ra-“, Gerard was cut off

_*VROOOOM*_

Everyone turned around, only to see the most horrifying scene ever.

“WHAT THE HECK DEWEES?! STOP!” Gerard screamed, dropping his phone. Dewees was currently vacuuming the Ray Pile up.

“Oh hey guys, I found this vacuum and wanted to see how it worked, need a new one at home.” he explained, carrying on as if he was doing nothing wrong. Gerard fainted, Frank cussed at Dewees, and Mikey just stood there awkwardly at the whole situation.

 

**_ The End. _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmfaoooooooooooo

**Author's Note:**

> (first chapter)  
> okay
> 
> so i know that the real reason the band broke up was serious to some extent, and i fully respect their choice. I am glad that now theyre so much happier, and that Gerard(all of them tbh) is okay.  
> this was just a joke cuz, hey why not??  
> Im not that sad they broke up bc yeah the band isnt together anymore, but we didnt /lose/ /them/. And with the possibilities of what couldve happened, im glad the band is broken up.  
> but thats all imma say on it, cheers!


End file.
